This weekend we are having a wedding party in our garden.
Just a party as we were already married at Christmas and exchanged our vowels formerly in a church. It was a beautiful day but still a blur to me as my Mum had cancer. We were given just seven weeks with our beautiful Mum so we used that time to make the last days of her life as special and comfortable as we could. My fiancé and I always had plans to be married this June but naturally we bought the wedding forward and had a warming and precious ceremony with just a handful of guests in December. My Mum saw her youngest Daughter marry her son in law whom she loved and was very fond of. My now Husband had no quarrels about fulfilling my wishes to carry out a surprise wedding for me and my Mum as he was also very fond of her and would do anything to help my grieving process.
Mummy was diagnosed with lung cancer that had spread to her brain, her bone and possibly her kidney. Her body was littered with tumours so there was never going to be a cure and chemo was never an option. My sisters and I bought Mum home from hospital and cared for her from her safe place. She loved her home and wanted to be there with her four girls. Between us we put a plan in action and nursed her without barely any help from the Rennie nurses until the days leading up to her death. My Mum died with us and her sisters n the surroundings of her own home. She was comfortable, safe and peaceful. We did of course need the help of the Rennie team and they were amazing offering support and care to us as a family. During the last few days of Mums life the team were in and out administering her medication and helping to keep her as comfortable as possible.
Guiding my Mum through the last moments of her life were rewarding but at the same time physically and mentally damaging. We pushed our grief aside to make sure she felt comfort and secure to pass away peacefully and start her next journey without us. My Mum raised four strong, caring and independent women and we used all of those qualities the day she died. We held her tight and told her it was ok to let go. We assured her and we held her and we kissed her held her until she took her last breath. And although heavily sedated, she knew we were there for her, looking after her with her two sisters supporting us and coping with there own grief too. We were all with her. She opened her eyes and looked at us whilst taking her last breath. And that was our goal to make sure Mums wishes were fulfilled and she was resting in peace. I gently closed my Mums eyes and kissed her goodnight.
Most nights my baby girl falls asleep, exhausted in a bundle on her bed and i am forced to gently close her sleepy eyelids. Most nights or rather too many nights this kills me. It brings back the hurt and pain i felt the day i lost my rock.
The grieving process starts the second you are told someone, in this case my world, is going to die. And five months on it still feels like its never going to end. We are preparing for a party in our garden this weekend and although i am not stressed and feeling fairly organised, i am feeling hurt inside. Not mentally but physically. When my Mum passed away my body broke. It literally broke me and my immune system shut down so with so much going on i can feel my chest and my body suffering. I am so excited to show the rest of my family and friends my dress and share our special day with them but at the same time i am sad that my Mum cannot be there and that one of the most important people will be missing. My Mum is here with me all the time and she will be watching us when we celebrate.
I kept a diary during the last weeks of my Mums life Filled it with precious, warming memories. We made videos of us all together. She even made us videos to keep and cherish. And we have photos to last a lifetime. My Mum was always a happy person and was so strong. She refused to talk about having cancer and laughed and joked everyday. Mum left us with so many happy memories.
We have chosen to have a celebration in our garden because it is a place i love to be. My garden helps me to de stress and unwind and i use it as a coping mechanism. I have a lot of Mums plants in my garden and spend a lot of time out there putting into practise the green fingered tips she taught me. Again i have many happy memories of being in my garden with my Mum and i couldn’t think of a better place to celebrate our marriage and bring our families together.
I am fortunate to have this blog, a place of my own to write. I cry a lot and tears have flowed freely during the forty minutes i have taken to write this post but i think it has been an outlet for me. Forty minutes away from wedding prep that has taken over our lives recently and forty minutes for me to let some of my feelings out.
Here’s to a good knees up.
Please do follow me on my Instagram account and hopefully there will be lots of great snaps from our second special day.
Thanks for stopping by xx