Wild flowers and surprise bulbs are stretching their arms under the blanket of soil which has provided a snug bed from the harsh winter. My Daughter eagerly inspecting her flower patch at the end of the garden awaiting the first signs of green roots to rear their heads. Puddles form in between the cracks of the patio from the drenched perennials that line the boarders of my abode.
Last November I signed up for a blogging event in the hope to really start using my blog as a place to write and as a place to be more outspoken. I feel I use it as a platform for memories but never voice MY opinion, never write about MY life. I wanted to meet people and take a lesson in how to achieve this without bordering too political, bossy or over analyzing situations i have overcome in the past or events happening in the future. I know how some blogs can be too samey and people can dwell on the same subject over and over. Anyway I never did make that class as my Mum fell ill that weekend and after a short hospital stay was diagnosed with cancer. My blog took a back seat but I continued to write occasionally publishing posts mainly about my garden but not really giving my readers any insight to my life. I write well and I write with emotion but I never publish my work on my blog. I keep diary’s for myself. I have kept a diary for my Daughter since the day she was born, full of positivity and cherished memories and I kept a diary for every single day of the last seven weeks of my beautiful mums life. I did not want to miss a single memory. I take great comfort in looking back and knowing that I kept note of all the beautiful things she said to me.
I woke up this morning before dawn with my heart in my throat. It has been less than three months since my Mum passed away and everyday is still so difficult. Sadness has turned into pain and the grief feels as though it is sucking the life out of me.
At 5.30am I climbed into my Daughters bed and pulled her close. My Daughter is like a comfort blanket to me recently. She wrapped her little fingers around my wrist and held me tight and suddenly I got that warm fuzzy feeling of the type of love that only a Mother and Daughter bonding will ever understand. My own little being that I made, and at just Three and a half years old has the tendency to almost heal my pain.
Some days are better than others and of course I am doing my best to stay positive and
be thankful for everything I have, by no means am I locking myself away or hiding my emotion but there is no formality that comes with the grieving process. It doesn’t hit me in waves , it’s just there constantly. I need this place to scream and shout and tell the world that my Mum wasn’t just a Mum. She was my everything. Our relationship was sincere, honest, unselfish and all about love, protection and gratitude. I was her baby (the youngest of four girls) and i cherish so many heart warming moments from my nursery years where I had time to enjoy her all on my own. I was attached to my Mum since the day I was born. I never remember wanting to go with anyone else. We shared a room in an already crowded four bedroom house and even though I had my own bed I always preferred to cuddle up in Mums bed with her. It was just us. My Dad left when I was two which was a horrendous struggle for my Mum bringing up four Daughters but she always had time to show us love and emotion. I always needed my Mum and when I eventually had my own Daughter I needed her more than ever. I moved closer to her and she sailed me through Motherhood. The love and compassion I share with my own Daughter today is owed to my Mum. The woman who taught me to love. She taught me kindness as she did with all my sisters and she raised us with everything she had.
I held my Mum and comforted her whilst she took her last breath. Just writing that sentence breaks me but I guess that’s just another trait she installed in us, to be strong and to comfort through the most difficult times.
So during this difficult time I feel like I have lost a limb, life is unbalanced without mum and of course there is a void. A huge huge void that right now I can never see being filled. Mum is on my mind all the time and although I am filled with sadness, I do spend most of my day smiling. Everything reminds me of her beautiful soul from watching the sunrise, enjoying the Flowers, my sisters, the family cat even , who now lives with us. I take all these happy moments and people and feel gracious that she left us with such wonderful attributes and most of all each other.
My Daughter gets me through the bad days. Olivia is nearly four and spent her first few precious years Being raised by my Mummy as well as me. I see my Mum in her all the time! Her sweet temperament and her sense of humor but most of all her passion to care for others.
I will be using my blog as a place to be more open and honest but not a place to dwell, more of an outlet for positivity.
I have found peace and sanctuary in my garden and you can follow my journey on my Instagram page.
I started my day feeling so sad until the sun came out and perked me up. Loved ones keep assuring me that is does get easier and i guess only time will tell.